Stress Management

Some Is Good, Too Much Is Bad

You’ve probably heard that not all stress is bad stress. Some stress is good for us. Well, it’s actually true. Enduring stress is the definition of being alive. Stress is vital for our growth. It can push us to accomplish great things and handle more than we ever thought we could. But if the stress we face is too much, or too much all at once, it will exceed our ability to cope. When that happens, mental illness symptoms can creep in.

There’s a saying in medicine: “The dose makes the poison.” Too much stress - unrelenting, insurmountable, overwhelming stress - eats away at our reserves of patience, energy, and inner strength. When that resilience is lost, we leave ourselves open to unopposed stress. Mental illness can then walk right through our front door, put its feet up on our couch, and hunker down for a long winter.⁷³

Yet, when it comes to mental illness, stress is only one side of the equation. The other side is our genes and our physical health. The equation looks like this: stress + genetic predisposition = mental illness. Among the many gifts our parents pass down to us, genetic predisposition for health and disease is the gift that keeps on giving. We are born with a certain likelihood, or risk, that mental illness will strike. But it only strikes when too much stress has been applied to the system. Stress is the factor that activates our genetic predisposition and pushes us over the edge. Unopposed, overwhelming, unaddressed stress increases our risk for mental illness.

Let’s Get Physical

Ever wonder what’s going on in the body during stress? We’ve all heard that stress can give us ulcers, raise our blood pressure, or give us gray hair. We also know that stress makes us instinctively answer others’ concern for our well-being with that trusty old line, “no, I’m just tired.”

It’s true. Stress can harm us and deplete us. But how exactly? The general answer is that emotional or psychological stress breeds oxidative stress^74–76 and inflammation⁷⁷ in the body.

Wait.. say what? Inflammation and oxidative stress are scientific terms for normal destructive processes in the body. This destruction is a good thing - in measured doses. We need inflammation to tear down aging cells and clear out foreign substances. However, when there's too much inflammation going on, we call that... well, inflammation. Unfortunately, we haven’t come up with a buzzword to identify the distinction between a normal, healthy, short-term inflammatory response and an excessive, unhealthy, unnecessarily long-term inflammatory response.

In technical terms, the excessively intense, long-lasting, destructive version of inflammation, is called chronic, low grade, systemic inflammation. Chronic means the inflammation has been going on for too long. Low-grade means there’s not a lot of inflammation, but more than is needed at that time. Systemic means all over the body, not just in the one spot where you need it. In chronic, low-grade, systemic inflammation everywhere suffers, unnecessarily. This includes the brain. Obviously, we need a catchy relationship name here, like Bennifer, Tomcat, or Brangelina. Maybe Chro-lo-mic-mation? “Sorry guys, can’t make it to softball this weekend, I’ve got some wicked chrolomicmation going on.” Sounds like a winner.

Let’s move on to defining oxidative stress. Oxidation is like car exhaust. It is a natural by-product of substances in the body getting converted from one form into another. In the body, things are actually always being converted from one form into another, then recycled back into the original form. That’s partly how the body can conserve its resources and maintain function over the long haul. However, there can be breakdowns and traffic jams in the system, which lead to accumulation of oxidative by-products. When too much oxidation happening, our body tissues get worn down or destroyed. Excess oxidation can then lead to excess inflammation, and vice versa. Remember, inflammation and oxidative stress are part of the normal biological activities in the human body. At lower levels, they’re needed to regenerate the body. Yet, at excessive levels, they produce harm in the body, and in the brain.

So why should you care about chrolomicmation? What happens when our bodies are awash with oxidative stress and inflammation? Well, we can experience depressed moods,^78–79 excessive anxiety,⁸⁰ fatigue,⁸¹ weight gain,⁸² and brain fog,⁸³ to name a few. Living with constant stress, and thus constant inflammation and oxidative stress, is literally like playing with fire (in both the figurative and literal sense of ‘literally’).

Options Come Standard

Stress is a part of life, always has been. However, the stress we face today is wholly different than the stress our living elders or distant ancestors faced. Compared to our ancestors, the stress we face today involves a lot less danger. Yet, our stress today is way worse in a couple of ways. The most important difference is that our stress today is chronic. It’s constant. And, it’s got a diversified portfolio. Stress is coming at us from all angles, all day long. It’s constant, low hum is like high tension powerlines. At some point, you lose awareness of the noise. It either fades into the background, or just becomes so normal, it’s no longer noticeable.

It’s easier to stay alive these days. But in a sense, it’s actually harder to feel alive. We often can't really relax because there is so much coming at us. So many decisions to be made, so many options to be considered, so many associated fears and angst. With so much information to process, we can get overwhelmed. Once overwhelmed, we struggle to make decisions. If we can’t decide, we don’t act. If we don’t act, then things go south. With all this chaos, we can start to feel like we possess some serious personal inadequacies. Naturally, we blame ourselves, which just worsens our stress.

Long ago, stress was related to survival. Hunt, eat, avoid being eaten, procreate, and then relax in the tall grass. Nowadays, with so many options for what we can become or what we can make of ourselves, it’s like we’re stuck in a metaphorical cereal aisle with a blank shopping list in our hand that reads, "Make sure you pick the right one...or else.” It’s a set up. Endless choices, only one right answer, go! The multitude of options, paired with the sense that any choice could be a mistake, creates an immense amount of stress and pressure. This scenario invites a lot of “what if’s” to the party. That fear relegates us to paralysis.

Think of the non-violent threats that exist in the modern-day workplace. Big bureaucratic organizations are the new torture dungeons of modern-day life, rampant with passive aggressive coworkers, gaslighting managers, and the ever-present glass ceiling. Many people head home from a long day of work wondering if they truly are as ‘in need of improvement’ as their manager makes it seem.

Food is much easier to get. But it's the Frankenfoods which come in shiny packages, irritate your gut, and leave you feeling full for minutes then devastatingly ravenous thereafter. We wonder, "Should I eat more?... Am I still hungry?" Similarly, it is so much easier to shop for stuff these days, as it is to get the feeling of immediate regret for spending money you don’t really have. "Do I really need this? I feel like I do. But I always say that, then regret it. Whatever, just click the big blue buy now button... let’s go, do it!"

Modern-day life presents us with more choices than we could ever make. Our brains have not yet caught up to all this nuanced opportunity for making the wrong decision. Surviving another winter used to be the goal. Now the goal is living your “best life.” But what does that mean for me? What exactly am I supposed to be doing with myself? Society has normalized this chaos. When exponential options are the norm, and everyone else is showing off their best self, we can only put our heads down and pretend like we got this. There is no relief from these modern-day chronic stressors; they’re all around us, all the time. So many questions, so few answers. Without realizing it, we are drowning in stress and pressure... just like those coal miners.

Acute versus Chronic

Scientific research on stress originated in the laboratory of the great Han Selye.⁸⁴ His paradigm shifting research involved poking rats with needles and sometimes injecting them with adrenaline. Those poor rats endured a lot in the pursuit of scientific advancement. Without a doubt, they were definitely stressed out to the max from all that poking and prodding.

This original research on stress left society with the idea that stress was simply bad. Maybe that should be no surprise, as it didn’t end well for the rats. But there are important differences between the kind of stress these rats experienced in the lab and the types of stress that real human beings currently face on a daily basis in modern-day life.

One key difference with the stressors we face now is that they are invisible, intangible, and often imperceptible. Our daily stressors are less of the physical world (predators, famine, cold), and more psychological in nature (perceived inadequacy, envy, guilt, shame). Our psychological stressors occupy so much so territory in our minds because they are rarely, if ever, spoken of. Another key difference with the stressors we face today is that they tend to come at us all at once, from multiple angles, and go on unresolved for longer periods of time. That makes our stress constant. Modern-day life ushered these stressors into our daily existence. In failing to acknowledge their presence, we are left defenseless against them.

As society progressed, the landscape of our lives changed. We moved indoors. We learned how to cook and how to store food for later. We invented accountants, lawyers, and food delivery services. But our stress turned chronic. Despite the growing conveniences of modern-day life, we kept pushing with no breaks in between. Yet, there was still the idea that we should get out there and look our best. Modern-day life turned up the treadmill to level 10. We bought into the idea that we could just jump on and make it work. What happened? Take a deep breath. Count to three. Jump on. Face meets rubber.

Less stimulus to move, worse sleep, more extreme rollercoaster blood sugar levels, excess chronic inflammation, yet greater perceived stress and demands upon our energy and time were the unfortunate results of this odd scenario. In modern-day life, we take great care of the external, and in order to do so, we severely neglect the internal.

Back to the main point, the human brain was designed to handle and adapt to acute stress, not chronic, unrelenting stress.^85–86 By definition, acute stress happens, and then it stops. There’s some time to recover before the next bout. Acute stress can make us stronger, but only because at some point it stops. Once the acute stressor ceases, the body and mind can then get to work healing, recovering, and adapting in ways that help you come back stronger. This is how stress builds resilience.

Chronic stress, by definition, doesn't stop long enough for the pendulum to swing back in the other direction towards recovery and resilience. When stress is unrelenting, it doesn’t allow us an opportunity to recover or develop resilience. The type of chronic stressors we face constantly in modern-day life are less extreme than in caveman days, but they add up over time. The weight of all that accumulated stress harms our bodies and brains in some subtle and insidious ways.

Chronic psychological stress can be destructive, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.^87–88 It’s important to reiterate that emotional or psychological stress breeds oxidative stress^74–76 and inflammation⁷⁷ in the body. What symptoms can we expect when our bodies are awash with oxidative stress and inflammation again? We can experience depressed moods,^78–79 excessive anxiety,⁸⁰ fatigue,⁸¹ weight gain,⁸² and brain fog⁸³, to name a few.

In sum, acute stress, which comes and goes, is potentially more painful, but far less damaging in the long run compared to chronic stress. Acute we can handle. Chronic takes us down. How is it that in modern-day life, with so many advancements in science, technology, and civility, we are actually moving backwards in terms of stress management? How is it that we’re safer, but at greater risk at the same time? Our never-ending quest for better, quicker, stronger has a lot to do with it.

Old versus New

Fast forward from caveman days to the glory days of the 1970s and 1980s. This is when it became much easier (for most in society) to meet basic survival needs. Hence, they dubbed the 1970s the “me generation”, and the 1980s the “decade of greed.”

Food for thought: without the threat of not making it to the end of day (due to predators, floods, famine, frigid weather, or rival tribes), we turned our attention in modern-day life toward bettering ourselves. This included finding ways to get ahead, to make more money, to save time, to increase our efficiency, to look better physically, etc. It was like we couldn't give up our addiction to stress – the stress of continual progress. Things were easier, but we got creative and found ways to make it harder again. Once life was easier to survive, more convenient, and less dangerous, we found new things to stress over. Ironically, one of the things we decided to stress over was the challenge of finding the best way to manage our stress.

In the old days, when tigers, or our enemies, were on the prowl, our ingrained fear was ready to kick in and protect us from danger. Keeping alert, aware, and ready for action was an inner tension that was worth the emotional distress. Fear of danger kept us away from danger. Fear of starvation kept the hunter-gatherers on the move and the early farmers vigilant over their crops during the night watch.

Along the way, some early genius invented a world changing apparatus called a fence. We fenced in our crops, animals, and loved ones. Another early mental giant came up with the concept of the shed. Then, we were able to store our crops and make it last through the winter. After that, we were able to stay put in one place, and just focus on living. It was finally easier.

These early civilizations spent plenty of time outdoors, ate food plucked from the earth, built their own protection from invaders, slept in darkness, and cherished their well-connected community. Maybe not so strange that these key elements are what many health gurus today are asking us to focus on: exposure to the sun, movement and exercise, sound sleep, social connections, and community. Unfortunately, we humans didn't stop there. We kept trying to make things better, faster, stronger, quicker, more efficient, and easier. We progressed, but at what cost?

Now, progress is generally a good thing. One of the key lifestyle recommendations in this book is to find meaning and purpose in life. Finding purpose in life inevitably ends up with progress being made. Most people who are truly connected to their purpose in life will be working diligently towards improving the life of at least one other person, if not the entire world. So progress is a noble, altruistic aim.

However, the drive towards progress, or self-improvement, can be a double-edged sword. The things we have to do to help ourselves live easier, obtain more, and be better can also be our downfall. What do we give up in exchange for an easier time in life? The easy route often involves taking shortcuts. If we shortcut certain important processes, we miss out. Sometimes, we miss out on finding out who we are. We miss out on the beauty of seeing ourselves persevere through difficulty, disappointment, and despair. If we’re struggling to achieve all of our goals, then maybe that striving in and of itself is a sign we’re doing something right. If things were easy, then maybe we aren’t reaching high enough. However, when things are difficult, that’s not always the first conclusion we jump to.

Because things can be so easy nowadays, and because society has made so much progress, it has become harder to make sense of our struggles. One issue is that not all things that are hard share the same value, or provide the same benefit to our lives. On the most basic level, hard work often means we have to sacrifice self-care. If you’re working, taking care of family, managing a household, or just living in modern-day life, then you’ve likely felt the sacrifice. It’s often a sacrifice we are very comfortable with, as the beneficiaries of that sacrifice are the ones we love. Yet, things get complicated from there. In modern-day life, we can easily feel obligated to take on these roles that make sense on paper, but lead us to neglect what we really like, want, or need. This would be that strong, yet conflicted, inner urge to reluctantly raise your hand to volunteer for the yearly bake sale. Last year was a disaster, and you know you don’t want to do it this year. But what happens if you don’t help out? Who would you be then? Selfish? Or self-protective? It doesn’t always seem clear.

Some of us will face far greater struggles than others. And, it won't be fair. For reasons unknown, we all start out at different places in life. Each starting place, however, presents each of us with our own unique struggles. Yet, that’s not always what we see on TV or in social media. If we are enduring struggles (sadness, loneliness, worthlessness, uncertainty, exhaustion, even numbness), we might ask ourselves if it’s because of something we did wrong, or due to some way in which we are deficient. Could all these problems be explained with a simple answer? “Is it me?”

Maybe this sounds silly as you’re reading it. But what happens for you when your mind begins to focus on something you are struggling with? Due to human nature, and the ease with which mental illness can influence our thoughts, you may look over at the person next to you and see them effortlessly moving along through life without this particular struggle that plagues you. Our first thought in that scenario is often, “why me?” or “I wish I wasn’t so,” or “it’s me, isn’t it?”

That instinct to highlight our own relative deficiency likely was not as common when we lived in small tribes and were more preoccupied with the ever-present threat of starvation or battle or predators. Belonging to a tribe where we had to rely upon each other – with the stakes being life or death – likely helped us avoid dwelling on the negative for too long.

Perhaps self-consciousness is an inherent part of being human that has been with us since the beginning of time. Still, the argument here is that modern-day life amplifies this mirror. Some days, it’s all we see. This mirror constantly follows us around, catches us off guard every time we forget for a moment. It grabs our attention, swiftly reminds us, and helps us to feel bad, all in an instant. Its reflection leads to automatic conclusions that we are doing something wrong, or worse, that we are inadequate. This mirror likely became more prominent only after life became easier. When life became easier overall, our expectations for ourselves increased, by a lot. If life was supposed to be easier, it made no sense why it felt hard. We glanced to our left, looked to our right, and we thought, “must just be me.”

Exceptionalism at its worst

Yes, the 80s were a lot of fun. For most, but not all, prosperity reigned. There were very few immediate threats to our existence, so we turned our attention inward to the battles raging within. The challenges of staying alive, finding food, obtaining shelter and basic needs all drifted out of focus. Alternatively, our inner experience came sharply into focus. Self-reflection opened doors that were previously closed. Fear took advantage and our collective mental health seemed to take a downward turn from there. We started taking inventory of different kinds of things. Our collective consciousness pushed aside the simple things to make room in our attention for measures of popularity, success, and wealth. Yet, everywhere we looked, from our neighbor’s driveway, to the television shows, to popular magazines, we saw other people’s high-water marks. Other people noticing you were doing well was the currency of the day. And so, exceptionalism was born.

In pushing ourselves toward ever greater self- improvement, we took on that constant, subtle stress of progress. We accepted it as simply a cost of doing business, the business of getting better. Let’s think about the term “self-improvement.” If we are striving to improve, then by definition, we must be initially deficient, or less than, in some way. Unfortunately, all that positivity and push towards self-improvement had a side effect.

This drive to be exceptional, in one way or another, has remained. It’s an unwritten mandate that continues to permeate our society. Instead of holding space and allowing ourselves patience and self-forgiveness, we seem to blow right past and get busy trying to become exceptional in one way or another. The drive to be better, or best, or even perfect, has been injected so deep into our psyches that we are too easily unaware that it’s there. One way that we can tell that drive exists is how little patience we have for the “journey”, for the process of improving. Again, ‘improving’ means you’re not there yet. No matter how hard we try to destress, unless we relinquish our desires to be better, we will always feel that constant, underground, yet powerful stress in our lives. In sum, self-improvement betrays itself. The harder we try to be better, the more we feel stressed out. That’s one awful side effect.

That constant, vague, background buzzing in your mind may just be the tension you are holding onto as you’re scratching and clawing your way to safety – safety by way of achieving a perfection that is beyond reproach. It’s true. For many, safe means not giving others a reason to not like or love back. Secretly, it may be us who are originally lodging complaints against ourselves. It’s just that, in our minds, we perceive the contempt is coming from others. If we start out with an injured self-esteem, then we may look for reasons others won’t accept us. Modern-day life offers us so many bogus ways to backfill the reasons for our anxiety. Generally, the answer for why we are anxious is always the same – “because I’m not good enough.” But, as long as we can get there to the scene of the crime first, and cover up the evidence so no one will notice, we’ll be okay. We think.

We have drifted a long way away from the simpler days of the mid-twentieth century. In 1953, the popular pediatrician D.W. Winnicott expressed the sentiment that we do not have to be perfect parents to raise our children well. She coined the term “the good enough mother.” It's a profoundly important and impactful message. It would also make a terrible blog title in modern-day life.

Instead, exceptional seems to be the standard – one that we must not only aim for but have already achieved before making that first impression with anyone new. We walk through life as if others are about to ask us straight up, “Well, what makes you so special?” If our presentation says, “not much,” clearly that would feel like a very disappointing answer. Being regular is definitely not sexy or admirable. And, being sexy or admirable in some other way, often feels like the bare minimum. Alternatively, there may be some degree of relief in being regular. It may just provide an escape hatch out of the unfulfilling, impossible to survive, octagon of modern-day social competition.

This quest for exceptionalism also reflects our society’s fantastical belief in our ability, perhaps even obligation, to master life’s challenges, and look good doing it. In reality, the person behind all of our social media accounts is a real human being with very real problems and very real limitations. If that’s not what comes across in the social media posts, we can ask, “why not?”

Maybe since the vibe of most images on social media are exceptionalism oriented, we then feel obligated to go along. Maybe we have been influenced to do so. We are immersed in a culture driven by exceptionalism. The result? For most all of us, it’s a perfection-seeking mentality that creates a lot of opportunity for us to become unnecessarily and excessively overcritical of ourselves. It’s perfect or bust. When things go bust, self-criticism strolls in, with folded arms, leans against the open doorway, and states simply, “I told you so.”

Self-criticism is real. It’s also really common. Self-criticism is also the final piece of this equation. It makes all of the math work out. If others are so exceptional, and I’m just regular (or worse than regular), it makes sense that somehow, someway, it’s my fault. Often, fear of inadequacy underlies our self-criticism. It all comes down to fear.

We can't turn off our brains' fear center. That actually wouldn't be a good idea. Job number one in life is survival. To stay safe, we need fear. But, fear will always be there to fuel whatever self-criticism is keeping the whole cycle churning... insecurity leads to a compensatory drive toward exceptionalism leads to falling short of high expectations simply because we’re all just human leads to perceived failure and self-contempt leads back to insecurity and fear.

With patience, and an intentional release of attachment to the idea that exceptionalism will be our savior, we can avoid taking the bait in modern-day life. Signing up for exceptionalism culture is a total set-up. Seeking exceptionalism may give us the feeling that we are in control. Moving towards a better body, a bigger bank account, a greater social media following feels good. It gives us the sense that we are moving forward, improving, gaining respect and admiration. In reality, the opposite may actually be true. There is no calm when you are aching to be a different version of yourself.

Any attachment to an idealized self – one that by default rejects our regular old self – is likely getting in the way of the key aspects of mental wellness... confidence, fulfilment, joy, a sense of peace. This discrepancy between our idealized self and our real self will use life’s disappointments, failures, and conflicts to fuel self-criticism, and even criticism of others.

It's not all about social media, money, and six-pack abs either. Many of us seek a different kind of perfection. We take on a variety of jobs and responsibilities (parent, friend, caregiver, employee, & more) with the intention of getting it all done. We’ll award ourselves bonus points for doing so with a “no big deal” attitude. It usually turns out to be a lot more work than we anticipated. So we double down on our efforts, and later try to hide how hard it actually was.

We get it done, or at least most of it. Yet, in our minds, we fell short. Despite great effort and perseverance, we can’t shake the feeling that somehow it was a failure. These expectations we place upon ourselves are often a little (or a lot) higher than what is reasonable. That gap between expectation and reality is where mental illness can take root.

The Beauty of Human Limitations

Unfortunately, there are only so many hours in the day and only so much bandwidth available in our brains. Obviously, we fall short of these exceptionally high expectations that we, with the help of modern-day life, set for ourselves. You may respond to this by saying to yourself, “not me... I can’t get anything done... I can't focus... I can't keep up... I can't be what he/she wants me to be... I just can't (fill in the blank)"

If this is a common internal conversation, then stay with me here. This kind of internal conversation is commonly the root of anxiety, depression, or anger issues. It starts small but can grow exponentially big. This is why mental illness conditions can be so impairing. We can put ourselves together well enough and long enough to look alright on the outside. Yet, we can’t run from what’s happening on the inside. If we are not mentally and emotionally well, then our mental health becomes our full-time job. Everything else, regardless of your desires or best intentions, comes second. This can be excruciatingly painful. It’s also something that we instinctually resist.

When that negative internal dialogue strikes, you likely will not be able to accomplish as much of your to-do list as you wanted. Considering how you feel, it would probably be a victory to get anything done at all. That’s because these conversations tend to play in our minds on repeat, 24/7.

Nonetheless, in your mind, you feel like you should be taking on a ton more responsibility and accomplishing way more. You may wonder, when you are laid low with a depressed mood or heightened anxiety, if you’re being a good enough friend. You may look over at the kitchen sink and see a filthy pile of laziness and failure. The missed calls from work, friends, and even family, you could have answered, but didn’t, may still produce pangs of guilt hours later. Even when symptoms are less intense it’s a struggle to get everything done. That alone can still be very painful. Here's why... our minds have this habit of setting a high, rather excessively high, bar for ourselves. This is due, in large part, to exceptionalism.

If we are not mentally well, it would make more sense to deal with that first, then worry about our productivity afterwards. This is the same logic that says, if you had a rock in your shoes it would make sense to stop and take it out, instead of ignoring the rock and learning to cope by walking on your toes and dosing ibuprofen every six hours for the pain. But the modern-day playbook in regard to our mental and emotional health tends to be just that: ignore the pain, double down on the effort, pretend it’s all good on the outside, try to distract from the pleas to stop that are welling up from within.

Due to many factors in modern-day life, as well as our own innate, fear-fueled drive to survive, we tend to set very high expectations for ourselves. These expectations are often too high. They are unreasonable or misguided. The higher the expectations, the more effort we have to put forth. The more effort we have to put in, the greater the degree of burnout. The greater the burnout, the worse we perform. The worse we perform, the worse we feel about ourselves. Despite feeling bad, we don't stop. We can’t stop. If we do, we’ve failed.

Why would we do this ourselves? Why are we breaking our backs to be exceptional when all that does is just inevitably lead us to be exceptionally miserable? It's possible that we are trying to be exceptional because deep down we believe it will solve a different problem. Six-pack abs are awesome. But are they the solution to loneliness? Working hard, earning good money, being a top notch mother (or father) is great. But can those accomplishments alone make our past hurts, disappointments, or failures simply vanish? Social media likes offer us that quick dopamine hit. But do they boost our sense of self-worth in a lasting way?

Stress management starts with a perspective change. Instead of wondering where we went wrong in failing to be that superhero, it may be more beneficial in the long run (and for everyone around us) to stop and take a minute to sit with the idea that we don’t have to meet all those expectations to be connected and respected. We are human, which means we have faults. However, we’re all still invited to the party despite our differences. We are all welcome. Yes, even you.

We have limitations. It’s okay to show them to others. It’s actually what makes us unique and likeable in the eyes of others. We cannot ask for and receive help if we hide our limitations. We all need help sometimes. We all need connection. We all need to be seen. We will always need these things. They are essential daily nutrients.

When things go south or we begin to struggle, we take on the task of fixing things all by ourselves. Without a second thought, we try to fix without letting others know about our campaign of self-improvement. We try to fix what (we think) is wrong with us in secret, in our dark emotional hiding place, with the gentleness and compassion of a sledgehammer. Maybe after a perceived failure, in this dark place, we tell ourselves to “try harder” or we conclude that we just need to "fix it.” Worse, we go numb. That’s the risks and benefits we take on when we buy into exceptionalism.

To achieve better control over our stress, perhaps we have to start by making tough choices about which self-improvement endeavors, responsibilities, or obligations are a priority, and which are not. This doesn't mean that we shouldn't try at all in life. We need stress. Stress builds resilience. In short spurts, it helps make us stronger. Stress is the means to build strength, improve, and learn. The key is striking a balance between nothing and everything. This balanced middle path allows us room to grow, but avoids the hypercritical drive towards exceptionalism. No one can say exactly how to do this. No one can dictate for you what things in your life are more important versus less important. The argument here, is the things that modern-day life is trying to tell you are important, have instead proven to be toxic, harmful, and actually bear no fruit. To figure out what’s right for you and your life, you have to go by feel. We all have to ask ourselves, “what is really important?” and “what do I really want?”

Learn to Manage Your Manager

We will always experience stress. It’s unavoidable. It’s just that not all stress is worth the cost. Trying to be exceptional comes with a hefty price and often fails to pay off.

There’s a famous business adage, “you can't manage what you don't measure.” This is actually a very good description of our current approach to exceptionalism. Most exceptionalism goals these days are quantifiable. Nowadays, we tend to think about of quality of life in terms of the quantities we have – the amount of money, friends & followers, the ranking of our schools, companies, & cars, the speed at which we can get things done, either by us or for us. Quantity seems to be the new quality. Obviously, this sounds a bit harsh. None of us would like to admit as much out loud. Said in this way, it’s just not a good look. But is it untrue? Our behaviors will always speak louder than words about our priorities.

We can easily get caught up in managing our life through measuring. Yet are we using the right measuring tape? For most of us, there’s a set of numbers in our mind that nag us. Maybe it’s the numbers in the bank account, maybe it’s the number on the scale, maybe it’s the number of friends, or social media followers, or past sexual partners, or people that directly report to you at work. Safe to say that there’s usually some number that’s nagging us.

Whatever the number is about, consider how your life would be different if we lived in a world where getting to that number made no difference whatsoever. Imagine instead if we had a way of measuring the intangible blessings of life with numbers. Remember, as a kid, you would tell the people who cared for you, with arms stretched out wide, that you loved them "thiiiissssss muucchhhh"? In numbers, how much was that exactly?

If this is true for you, then it’s time ask yourself, “what problem did I think getting to that number would solve?” Relationships, experiences, and passions in life cannot be measured with any sort of number. In modern-day life, it’s incredibly easy to get hyper-focused on numbers. But numbers can’t hug you back. Only people can hug you back. Maybe the one number we should focus on is the number of hugs, real and metaphorical, we give and get each day. We obviously have to put in work to get those six-pack abs or that six-figure salary. It’s also true that we have to put in work in our relationships to get the point where hugs are a common occurrence and feel good every time.

Another point worth mentioning is that the concept of time often eludes us. We usually do accomplish our long-term goals. We accomplish them over the long-term. Once we accomplish those goals, it seems as if we too easily move on to the next without acknowledging our gains. Small steps over time lead to big things. It’s just that our perception of that progress can be skewed. In our minds, especially if we are not feeling well, it’s as if the victory never happened. All that matters is the battles that lie ahead.

In life, you are your own manager. As a manager, it’s wise to take measurements of what’s happening. When it comes to mental health, measuring quantities of things, however, is nowhere near as helpful as measuring the value of experiences, the quality of our relationships, the depth of our own self-acceptance, and the degree to which we can know and appreciate our own uniqueness. Do this, and you will likely gain more clarity. It will become more clear which stressors provide no value and therefore should be avoided, or at least taken way less seriously. It will also become more clear which stressors are worth the price paid.

In sum, exceptionalism takes away more than it gives back. Exceptionalism-related stressors should be pushed aside. There are stressors, however that we should not avoid because they do provide value. For these kinds of stressors, the ones that are worth it, the well-known stress management techniques will come in handy. Think about what’s happening and who’s around when you have felt good. Give these experiences a rating (10 out of 10, 5 stars, A+). That would be a better way to start measuring and identifying the kinds of things that are important in your life. It may also help you downgrade the importance of goals born out of exceptionalism. With the remaining stress that you shouldn’t try to rid yourself of, those well-known stress management techniques will come in handy.

That Itch You Can't Scratch

Mindfulness and meditation are so hot right now. They’re popular for good reason. These techniques are potentially life changing. However, they are tools, not miracle makers. Mindfulness and meditation practices need to fit into a certain mindset in order to foster substantial positive change. If used as spot treatments in a crazed, super stressful, exceptionalism driven lifestyle, the results will definitely be lackluster.

We are mistaken if we think we can manage all of our stress by allowing it free rein throughout our daily mental landscape and then taking 10 minutes out of our day to close our eyes and meditate. Doubling the dose to 20 minutes of meditating won’t magically do the trick either.

The attempted fix here (periodic meditation sessions) doesn’t match the problem (overdoing it while being hellbent on exceptionalism drives). Has eating whatever you want all day, then going for a 10- minute jog/walk to try to burn off all those extra calories, ever worked for anyone trying to manage their weight?

Here’s the problem: During meditation, you allow whatever thoughts to bubble up to your consciousness. If you’re pretty stressed out, then bringing down your defenses during meditation may actually open the door (or flood gates) to in negative thoughts, memories, and mood states.⁸⁹ This makes sense if you are drowning in stress and pressure in your daily life. All that stress is probably always just under the surface.

If you take time out to sit quietly with yourself, you may discover that you are truly afraid or disturbed by something in your life. Whatever bothers you was likely there the whole time. It’s just that your busy mind never allowed it access to center stage. Meditation, by definition, pulls back the curtain. If you are a busy person, meditation may just allow all your daily pressures, insecurities, guilt, and shame free access to your consciousness. What used to be buried just beneath the surface suddenly bubbles up. There’s no guarantee we’ll be prepared for the flood.

Generally, it’s good to process our stored, pushed down, stuffed, repressed emotions. Processing these emotions helps us to make meaning out of our experiences in life. So facing emotions is critical. Still, the unexpected and sudden rush of difficult thoughts and feelings can be surprising and unsettling. Meditation can open up a can of worms. There's no guarantee that you can clean it all up within the same 10-minute meditation session.

Time Spent is Time Earned

Traditional cultures have gifted us with an array of stress reduction techniques and restorative healing practices. Various techniques and traditions that have found a place in popular culture today – meditation, yoga, long distance running, saunas, and even prayer. However, back when traditional culture invented and refined these stress management practices, people had a lot more time on their hands.⁹⁰

People were busy bailing hay, not spending hours shopping for better fitting underwear online from their cubicle at work. There were fewer in-your-face distractions. Long before modern-day life, there were fewer decisions that needed to be made - and none with seemingly unlimited options. Life afforded so much more solitude and time for reflection. Modern-day life had not arrived yet to provide a 24-hour news cycle, flashing neon lights, smart phone notifications, and easy access to an all-you-can-eat buffet of vices (drugs, booze, sex, shopping, food, cigarettes, and juicy reality TV). Modern-day life gave us more to do and less time to do it.

Although people faced some serious and dangerous threats in the past, their stress was likely not as amplified and diversified as it is today. Back then, primary concerns of the day were simply eating, sleeping, reproducing, and staying safe. Humans have always pushed towards progress, making survival and living easier. Their expectations for the speed at which they made progress, however, were much lower... much more reasonable.

Currently, it is important to earn good grades or a good living, while also being a good parent/child/sibling/friend, and at the same time being fashionable, likeable, witty, smart, giving, profoundly wise, technologically savvy, up to date on the trends... and the list goes on. Life was likely boring enough to make meditation, yoga, long distance running, and prayer the highlight of the day, rather than the footnote.

Part of the problem with our modern-day understanding of ancient traditions is that today these techniques are taught as skills that can be practiced in short, discrete sessions. Applying these practices into short periods of your modern-day life just aren’t enough if the rest of your day is filled with deadlines, pressure, perceived (or real) criticism, lack of acknowledgement, self-judgment, and/or negative emotions that have no release valve. As the saying goes, “that’s like bringing a squirt gun to a house fire.” How can someone suddenly stop the madness in their mind and immediately find their way into a Zen state? To accomplish that would require practice – years of hours-a-day practice. With all these pressing decisions that need to be made in modern-day life, who has time for hours-a-day mindfulness practices these days?

The Upside of Being Negative

Those who promote meditation, mindfulness, yoga, and related practices frequently present themselves as super chill and totally enlightened. It’s a good look, so we try it out. Meditation session number one is a bust. Bringing our mind’s awareness into our bodies is like trying to jam a cat into its carrier. Our thoughts seem to fight tooth and nail to go back to our normal daily routine of scattered busyness. If that cat doesn’t want in the carrier, it’s not gonna happen. The same is true with our busy minds in modern-day life.

We sit and breathe, but despite our best effort, all that bubbles up for us is the things on our to do list and the other long list of things that are currently stressing us out. If something negative came up for us, or we just couldn’t focus, that might give us the impression that we are doing it wrong.

As a beginner, this is likely more the norm than the exception. As human beings, we were gifted a really powerful brain that can, with relative ease and impressive might, harbor negative thoughts and feelings. Our brains are really good at feeling really bad. It's strange to think of sadness and fear as gifts. Without these important emotional experiences, we’d be walking through life without a clue. Fear is why no one walks up to tigers, greets them with a soft “hi kitty,” and then tries to pat them on the head. Similarly, fear of loneliness is why no one is ever honest when asked by their friends how their outfit looks. Our human gift is the ability to see into the future, and predict or envision what could happen. We can see bad outcomes playing out, ahead of time. That’s the gift of fear.

It’s not our fault when we feel something intensely. It means that our brains are working as designed by evolution. Just being happy and positive all the time is like flying in a plane that never lands. That might sound like an amazing alternative to what's happening in your life, but all that positivity would get old quick. Besides, if we were ignorant or unaware of the risks around us, we could not protect ourselves from the bad things that might happen to us. We need to be aware of the negative to find ways to navigate around it. If certain experiences or relationships didn't make us feel bad, we might never learn to avoid them. Indeed, our brains were designed to absorb and cling to the negative – especially possible negative outcomes in the future.⁹¹

The flip side of this self-protective fear is that if we’re not careful, we can easily drown in these fears. As stressful, threatening, or hurtful situations arise, we undoubtedly feel the fear. And, as modern-day life gains greater influence over us, these protective brain mechanisms are triggered far too often. Like over-reactive smoke detectors in your kitchen, our brains are set off by the barrage of psychological and social stressors of modern-day life. Like smoke from a pan, these stressors won’t seriously harm us, but our brains sound the alarm as if they would indeed take us out.

Negativity is there to keep us aware of possible dangers in the environment. It’s one of our many tools in life. Predicting the negative is indicative of a fully functioning imagination. But this can go too far, too fast. Allowing yourself to be convinced that some negative outcome is most definitely, for sure going to happen is a failure of another part of your brain. That would be the decision-making (AKA adulting) center in your brain, called the frontal cortex. Chapter eight will cover the importance of the frontal cortex in more depth.

So how do we strike the right balance between fear and function? How close should we get to the tiger? Research that stemmed from the father of stress management, Richard Lazarus, concludes that problem-focused coping leads to better physical and emotional outcomes for people, when compared to emotion-focused coping.⁹² You can't work through your problems if you don't face them. You won't face your problems if the flood of emotions are too much at the time, or if you spend most of your time trying to block out the pain. Some amount of fear we can work with. Too much at once disables us.

In other words, sometimes we need a healthy dose of denial to get through tough days. Things are bad, but at least there’s pizza in the cafeteria today. Now, at some point, we need to stop, go back, and deal with our stuff. Like the quote attributed to Woody Guthrie, we have to “take it easy, but take it.” Taking steps to face what we’re afraid of will eventually help us live without the invisible anchors of fear, regret, guilt, and shame. That relief doesn’t come quickly. And it also requires a lot of effort, and perhaps even pain. The key is to take it on in smaller bits and pieces.

Less is More

In modern-day life, we have less time to meet a greater number of demands. Moreover, these demands upon us are also greater in complexity. If we fall short, we feel bad. We feel like somehow we’ve failed. Many of us carry around this disappointment in ourselves for not being better. Rarely do we remind ourselves that we are only one person. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and it wasn’t built by just one person either. We are supposed to have weaknesses to complement our strengths. If we didn't have any flaws, we'd be like those creepy robots and zombies.

When it comes to stress management, the lesson seems to be that less is truly more. The less we allow ourselves to be bombarded by the environmental toxicity of modern-day life, the less we take on unnecessary expectations. The less we exhaust ourselves with excessively long to-do lists, the more we will feel alive and well.

With strong guard walls built up against the insidious tentacles of modern-day life, we can spend more time being present and focusing on the good in ourselves and in our lives. Meditation doesn't just automatically calm us down. In some instances, it unearths uncomfortable feelings that we then have to push down to be able to get on with our day. So instead of producing an immediate sense of serenity and oneness with the world, it can actually do the opposite. Therefore, meditation is not a passive sport. In sum, we should establish those boundaries with exceptionalism first, then try to meditate.

Meditation typically doesn't go according to plan. Without fail, as we meditate, our minds wander. We are supposed to be focused on our body and our breathing, but inevitably we drift. As your mind wanders, where will it go? Seeing where it goes is actually one of the best parts of meditation. It offers us insight.

If we feel, think, or remember something bad when we meditate, that's not a sign that we are doing it wrong. Meditation is the most important mirror in our lives. It will show us who we are, what’s been on our mind, and what’s in our heart. If we listen, it will highlight for us the things that we need to let go. It will point us in the right direction. If we listen and follow where our thoughts drift, it will tell us what we need to hear. Meditation doesn't take us somewhere else that’s better. It doesn’t transform us into something more. Quite the opposite, it helps us shed the unnecessary layers of modern-day distractions, self-doubt, dysfunctional obligation to others, guilt & shame by bringing our attention right to the things we need to face.

Modern-day life is toxic, in part, because it floods our brains with distractions. These distractions pull us farther and farther away from the things that we need to face. Drugs, binge watching TV, online shopping, daydreaming, and all other kinds of vices change the channel in our minds, so we never have to listen to what’s really going on inside. This is why it’s so important to cleanse ourselves of the toxic load dumped upon us from exceptionalism first, and then begin working on our mindfulness practice.

It's better to rid ourselves of the unnecessary exceptionalism of modern-day life before we try to manage our stress. In the least, we need to avoid the expectation that yoga, meditation, or any other technique can help us achieve our idealized self or perfection. Once we get to this point of 'less is more', meditation can offer us a unique opportunity to forgive and accept ourselves as we actually are. On a physical level, meditation helps to reset our nervous system. A balanced nervous system helps to regulate our nervous system, gastrointestinal system, immune system, and hormonal system.⁹³ On a more mental or spiritual level, meditation will unveil your humanness and vulnerability. That can help you be more balanced emotionally. These should be the expectations we hold for a meditation practice. These should be the expectations we choose for ourselves.

How to Meditate

Meditation was bred from Buddhist tradition. Ayurvedic medicine provides us with breathing techniques and yoga. From these ancient cultures we are blessed with plenty of great methods. Meditation, yoga, tai chi, qi gong, exercise, prayer... it’s not likely that one is clearly better than the next. Whatever you prefer will probably work best, as you’re more likely to stick with it.

Remember, meditation is not always a positive experience. You’ll know that it’s working when it alerts you to the stress in your life. When you can more clearly see how certain stress is harming you rather than making your better/stronger somehow, that's when change can happen.

If you sit down, begin meditating, and then find that your mind wanders, first realize that's what's supposed to happen. Then gently pull your thinking and awareness to whatever part of your body you wish - typically your lungs or nose. When weird stuff like uncomfortable thoughts, painful memories, or perceived inadequacies bubble up, just bookmark them. Later on, get curious and ask yourself a few more questions about those thoughts and feelings.

This internal conversation is vitally important. It’s a “please, step into my office” moment. So afterwards, sit down with yourself and ask yourself more questions about the uncomfortable topics that bubbled up. This is how change happens. This is the transformative power of meditation. It's not the fantastical belief that meditating regularly will shift you automatically into a higher state of consciousness and make you feel and become totally awesome.

Meditation is an opportunity to seek & destroy the unnecessary layers of shame, guilt, and fear. Hopefully, it will also shine a light on our perceived obligation to exceptionalism in modern-day life. The responsibility that comes with a meditation practice is the duty to identify, and then banish, the toxic attachments we hold to our idealized self. Again, these attachments are so rampant in modern-day life. We are drowning in them. They’re hard to see. Luckily, meditation can allow us to get a better grasp on them.

If you’re feeling terrible and overwhelmed, perhaps distracting yourself with a walk around the block, a funny movie, or a new pair of shoes may be the best first step. If you’re in a stable place, but don’t necessarily have time to fall apart during the middle of the day, consider exercise, yoga, walking, and socializing. If you have the time and support structure to deal with difficult emotions, then think about meditation as a means to get closer to your emotions, not further from them. Once faced up close and personal, they may not be as scary as we once thought.

Instead of setting a goal to do 10-20 straight minutes of daily meditation, try to fit mindfulness and other stress reduction techniques in the in-between moments. Stuck in traffic? Interrupt your tension-filled focus on the insanely slow drivers ahead and remind yourself to lead with your belly as you breathe in deeply. Late night dishes piling up in the sink? Tackle it with mindful attention and presence. Pause your thoughts and instead watch the water flowing over your hands. Focus on the suds bubbling over and the sheen of the pots and pans as you place them on the rack. At the same time, don't forget to breathe. Waiting forever in line for your latte? Take a moment to go inward and see if you can feel your lungs moving or your heart beating in your chest. A stress-reducing, mindfulness reset actually only takes just a couple seconds. Deep breathing is pretty intuitive. Inhale, hold, relax your body as you exhale, hold, and repeat.

Most of us miss that important piece in the middle. We don't realize it, but in modern-day life, we’re so bombarded by environmental stressors and perceived threats that we remain physically tense. We breathe very shallow. We become trapped in our thoughts. Notice if you breathe in & out with just your chest. Does your belly move at all? If you catch yourself breathing shallow... all chest, no belly... that may be a reflection of how tense you are at that moment, in your body and in your mind. Without the physical release of deep, purposefully relaxed breathing, you are likely stuck in a constant state of emotional flinching.

How to Breathe

Before you attempt meditation, it's important - and immediately helpful – to learn how to breathe. Breathing may sound too simple of a thing to make a difference. But it's not. Breathing slowly, deeply, and with a relaxed body can change the activity in the emotional centers of the brain - for the better.

Filling your belly with air is pretty intuitive. Loosen the belt a notch if you need to, then let your belly expand outward & sideways. Next, focus on exhaling. A deep inhalation will fill up your chest. It creates a tension. That tension will help usher out the inhaled air without much effort. But, here's the key: as the air leaves your torso, focus on your shoulders. Let them drop downward toward the floor. As your shoulders sink, feel the tingle all the way up your spine and neck. For this one moment, let down your perma-guard. Your body and your brain will thank you.

How to Prioritize

Once we rid ourselves of drives towards fruitless exceptionalism, where should we focus all this extra energy and attention?

First, we should become accustomed to the idea that you are unique, and that uniqueness makes you totally awesome. Are you unsure about that? Well, let’s take a look at the facts. Whatever accusation of inadequacy or fault you have levelled against yourself, there’s likely a flip side, a counter argument full of actual facts. Every anal neat freak has a messy person who enjoys the help. Every messy person helps the neat freak have a little fun. Busy people are often accused of being too serious, but they get things done. On the other hand, daydreamers definitely are not as productive, but we all benefit from their creativity and connecting of dots. Nice people can be accused of being too permissive, but they sure do make amazing listeners. Jerks are, well, jerks. But in critical situations they make good leaders because they can possess the ability to be direct, decisive, and unemotionally strategic. Show me your weak side which creates all this pain and suffering in your mind. I’ll show you the unseen underside which is magic.

Here’s more undeniable scientifically validated evidence that you’re welcome to the party. No one else sees the world from your angle. That has value. Because of that unique perspective on life, no one else can offer what you can. The world needs your perspective and your voice. Further, if you’ve been through anything difficult in your life, that’s a benefit to others. Others want to connect because you know. No one else can listen and understand like you can. You get it, which means you have something to offer.

Second, focus on relationships! Without others, we are useless bags of bones and chemicals. Living life surrounded by people (and pets) that know us and like us (despite getting to know us) is the only context in which we can be mentally and emotionally well.⁹⁴ These relationships can be leveraged to overcome sadness, disappointment, grief, loss, worries, fear, and any sort of perceived failure.

Nurture your friendships. Find an activity that you enjoy. Learn to sit with yourself in the quiet. Have tough conversations with yourself before those issues get in the way of your relationships with others. Listen to music. Eat good food. Seek out experiences that make you smile and laugh. Again, pets count too.

Learn to say “no.” Learn how to say what’s not gonna work for you with other people, so that you can take back your power. Learn to say "no" especially when it comes to the lure of modern-day life and exceptionalism. Learn to say "no" to goals born from a toxic and unrealistic idealized self. Learn to say “yes” to opportunities for fun, for connection, for conversation, for challenge, and for growth. The important thing is to try to incorporate stress management with a sense of what you’re ready for and what you’re not. In life, it all works out better when we rank order our time, attention, and efforts in this way.

Let’s summarize...

Determine for yourself what stress in your life is worthwhile. Do your best to discard the rest. Exceptionalism seems to be almost unavoidable in our modern-day life. It pushes us to take on roles and responsibilities that are not really beneficial, and definitely not a requirement for others to like or respect us. In fact, the opposite is often true. Think of those superficial roles, responsibilities, and reputations as sugar. None is optimal. Some is tasty, and relatively harmless. A lot pleases some part of our mind, but is toxic and harmful in the long run.

Limit your exposure to pointless stress by starting to accept your inherent self-worth and avoid trying to make yourself into something exceptional. Practice self-forgiveness for all that you are not. Be more fair in your expectations of yourself. Get used to the fact that the biggest, most important projects in your life will have to be completed in steps, over time, and that’s okay. Have fun with people. Be a closer and better friend. Ask for others to come hang out so they can do the same in return. Give more hugs, even to yourself. Open up and talk about your problems with those close to you. Finally, eat good food (see recipes below!).